THE SECRET LIFE OF JIM MARTIN
Steffan Chirazi
Have you ever wondered what the real Jim Martin, lead guitarist with the hugely popular Faith No More is like in his personal life? Well, quite frankly we did, so our San Francisco connection Steffan Chirazi went around to big Jim's gaff to get answers to more than a few probing questions. Here are the shocking results...
In this business there are many people who try to create characters, legends and immortal tales of gleeful debauchery and lunacy. By and large, these attempts to create such a character are pathetic; no-one ever falls for it and no one ever finds the fictional wild guy funny. The reason there is still a persistence with creating such 'characters' and 'tales' for your enjoyment (read disdain) is because, quite honestly, there are few out there who warrant the title.
Thankfully you'll bump into one about every three years, and I am therefore proud to present to you a man that you couldn't invent if you tried. Faith No More's Jim Martin.
Now given that (even though we shouldn't) most of us judge books by their covers, you probably have certain assumptions regarding Jim Martin. That he drinks too much, maybe puffs a little too hard, shoots small creatures and large targets, enjoys naked women and pornography, drives a large truck, goes to cabins and holds up for a few days at a time and is curious about Satan. Well, seeing as most of you probably believe that to be the case, I'm here to tell you yes to all of the above. You are correct. But other things you may not know about Jim Martin, are that he has a love of banjos and mandolins, went to college in Hayward and studied classical guitar, is an avid admirer of certain soundtracks (such as Dune, The Shining and A Clockwork Orange) has been faithful to the same girlfriend for 8 years (she hangs on his wall, never leaves his room and always looks good for him, especially since he took the staples out of her stomach!) and is currently writing a book on his new Epson lap-top computer, a constant tour companion. You may also think of Martin as the sort of man with a huge mouth primed to scream abuse and obscenities in appropriate situations, and once again I would be lying if I said that you were wrong, But there is also a side of Jim that enjoys peace, quiet and some solitude away from everything and everyone; often he's actually very quiet with nothing too much to say to anyone. These are his most dangerous moments, times when Jim Martin could suddenly decide it's time to go and set off on a huge tirade of vocal or physical damage.
Reprobate's Corner is usually simple Q & A stuff, but with Jim Martin, such normalcy is impossible. Best to just put the questions down as they were asked, log the answers, and introduce you to the world of a man who recently got his naked bottom whipped by a scantily-clad woman at the Mitchell Bros. Theatre, a world-famous sex-house in San Francisco, California.
Full Name: You know my full name. What the fuck's wrong with you?
James B. Martin. What Does The B. Stand For?
It's my middle initial, you greasy fucking doofas, you know very well what it stands for... bastard.
Date Of Birth: 21 July, 1961.
Current Home: Current home, what the fuck's your problem? You know my current home, so quit askin' these stupid fucking questions. What do ya wanna know for real? (Author's note: lives in Hayward, California).
Level Of Education: I am ultimately educated, I am the pinnacle of education. It was bestowed upon me by the Almighty Father. I still keep in touch with Him through an excess amount of drink.
First Time You Ever Drew A Family Portrait With Horns: In kindergarten, it was my entrance exam into school at age of 5. You take a little test before you go to school to find out what to do with you, if you're retarded or not. They asked us to draw a picture of our family, so I drew a picture of mine and put horns on alt of them because I liked the way horns looked.
First Time A Horn Ever Interested You: I dunno, probably when I was watering TV as a child and saw ram horns on a sheep.
What Did You Want To Be Before You Started Playing Music: A goat due to my fascination with horns and the link between the Almighty Father and Satan, Satan is often pictured as a goat.
First Movie You Ever Saw And Loved: Eraserhead for no reason other than I liked it. Full of weirdos.
First Time You Realised The Power Of Shock Value: When I was in the principle's office at school and he took the paddle out of the desk and slammed it down, I was shocked. I then realised the true meaning of shock value.
First Record Ever Bought: Black Sabbath's Paranoid because we had a small building we'd built in my friend's the backyard called The Shack. None of us drove, of course, we were far too young, so we'd go there to drink liquor, smoke weed and fuck chicks. We had this tape deck in there, and we'd play this Black Sabbath tape. I loved it so much it was the first record I ever bought.
First Band: EZ Street
Was That The Street You Wanted To Be On For The Rest of Your Life? No, it was actually a strip bar in San Mateo, California, with very good memories. We used to go in there when we were 15 years-old and the chicks would dance pure naked. They'd let us in and we'd sneak in small flasks of hard booze seeing as they didn't sell it inside.
Largest Cash Denomination Offered To Stripper: At that time nothing, we'd just shout loudly.
Largest Denomination Ever Offered For An Extra Wiggle Or Jiggle And In What City: One dollar. Nearly every city in the world that has naked ladies
dancing (this was to be broken the next night when taking pictures at Mitchell Bros. , when Martin unwittingly gave a girl $10,00 perhaps only thinking it was a single - SC)
Highlight Of Your Career So Far: The lady who runs the O'Farrell Theatre in San Francisco, a naked lady establishment. She came up to me and said I could go there for free whenever I want, just call up and make prior arrangements and I'll be happy to set you up with anything.
Reason Offer Has Not Been Broadcast Loudly To Friends:
Because I selfishly wish to keep it to myself in my filthy little manner.
Highlight Of Musical Career: I've just told you that, dick!
What Has That Got To Do With Music? Because she recognised me due to my being in Faith No More.
Hobbies: (At this stage he simply gurgles a greasy laugh). Ahhhh, uggghhh. uggghhh... you know what my hobbies are, my man.
Should I Elaborate? Say whatever you see fit, my man.
OK: Jim likes to shoot his guns as often as possible, enjoys being a member of the local bowling league and bowls every Saturday evening possible. He confesses the team is last, but first in drinking, 'we're usually fucked up by the end'. He loves women, likes to partake of the odd beer or ten, enjoys Carnitas burritos and guitar (thankfully, otherwise he'd hate his job). He enjoys going to the family cabin, hidden in north-east California amongst the hills and trees. He occasionally enjoys reading H.P.Lovecraft horror books and likes George Romero zombie films (especially the original Night Of The Living Dead). He once owned a TV set which played everything extra-green for full zombie effect.
Prized Possession: The dingey-wingey (pronounced din-dgeee win-dgeee) of course! It is the sick root of a sacred tree, used by tribesmen of the western coastal mountain range in Northern California.
Perfect Woman: Naked and lubed up.
Stupidest Thing You've Ever Done: Interviews, hahahahahaha.
Ever Been Arrested: Yes, drunk in public, suspicion of drunk driving and that's about it.
Has Success Changed You? Of course it has.
Why Are You Now A Bigger Asshole Than Ever Before? No, no, I was always an asshole, but now I feel that I'm better than everyone else. Just the better human being. I'm the smartest, the strongest, toughest, baddest sonofabitch, most drinkin', highest jumpin', fastest runnin', fastest shootin' sonofabitch ever born in God's world. And I am the closest link to God, haha.
When Did You Discover This? Actually I've always known that. so perhaps success hasn't changed me after all.
Favourite Food: Oatmeal.
Least Favourite Food: Cheese of course, because it smells like unkempt feet. I can't stand the taste of it, it burns my mouth.
You Are Officially Being Called A Reprobate By This Magazine: Oh really? Hmmm, well I think that's quite a proud event really.
When Did You First Discover The Importance Of Toilet Hygiene? As a small child. I was instructed by my mother that I shouldn't be using the public lavatory. As a small boy, when I was going to the women's bathroom with her, she demonstrated the proper method of lining the toilet bowl with paper first. However, I didn't discover the splash back prevention method, the landing pad of toilet paper in the very bottom, until later. I discovered that myself from my friends. This is a problem that happens in many households, parents don't properly instruct their children of many things and they have to go to the street and find out from their friends like I did. If I get some sort of illness that's related to toilet use, I will indeed have to hold my Mom responsible.
What Does The Movie Deliverance Mean To You? Duelling banjos. As far as I'm concerned, the movie was crap, but the soundtrack was great.
Strangest Thought You've Had While Indulging In A Sexual Act: Gee, this girl sure stinks! I was indulging in a sexual act with this woman who was pretty beautiful, and I could distinctly smell the thick aroma of shit. It's a thing of association though, y'know? The first time you ever drink Alker-Seltzer it tastes real bad, but once you feel the relief you welcome the taste. Same thing with the beautiful woman, I associated her face with
the smell of shit. Whaddya think's gonna happen? I'll be stimulated to take a shit every time I see that beautiful woman. I held my breath as long as I could and got on with it.
As you may have gathered, Martin is open and honest about his love of naked women and as earlier mentioned and to celebrate the fact we were granted permission by the Mitchell Bros. Theatre to take pictures of Jim with two of the girls.
Beforehand, we watched a few of the shows so as you, the Reader, could be treated to an exclusive view of the proceedings and amidst one stripping show I thrust my tape recorder under Martin's nose to ask him his feelings on what he was seeing, "I think that this girl is beautiful. To me, this is a sign of wealth, standing alone, smoking cigarettes with naked women dancing all around me."
The rest of this conversation is, sadly, too much for your eyes to suffer. A quick look, however, at the accompanying photos will assure you that Jim got his in the end from one of the two young ladies he posed with. Indeed, Martin found it painful to sit down for quite sometime. And as we round off this Reprobate's Corner special feature on James B. news of the big Yeti's impending film debut is now out. Seems that Martin will play himself in the sequel to Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure (titled Bill and Ted Go To Hell). One of Martin's lines is "Shithead" and he recorded some guitar parts to be used during the movie and for the soundtrack. There should be rules made against this sort of thing.
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